Edwards, Herman

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Herman "F**kface/Herm/Sperm/Godforsaken waste of space/Moron/Useless/Idiot/Cretin/Clocktard/Dooshey of the Decade" Edwards was head coach of the New York Jets from 2001 through 2005. Herm's contribution to the organization was his culinary skills, and his ability to destroy the potential of a team.

Contents

College and NFL career

Herm managed to go to college for a bit, but was perpetually late for class, then played for the Philadelphia Eagles, annoyed New York Giants fans with a fumble recovery, then made his fateful decision to try coaching.

Pre-New York Coaching career

Edwards managed to wangle a job at San Jose State, then snuck into the Kansas City Chiefs, which would become his spiritual home, in part because of the stockyards, a prime source of BBQ Beef. He then weaseled his way into another minor coaching job with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. In 2001, the New York Jets, were looking for a new head coach. The NFL Commissioner at the time, Paul Tagliabue, had instigated a new rule for NFL teams when hiring coaches. The Rooney Rule required teams interview prospective coaches with no head coaching and no offensive/defensive coordinator experience; but more importantly, were skilled in areas that had nothing to do with football. As a result of his interview, and a dinner consisting of ribs with Edwards' own home made BBQ sauce, the Jets owner, Woody Johnson announced Edwards' hiring.

Head Coach of the New York Jets

If the big hand is at the 12, and the little hand is, uh, wait, my hands are, uh, Hey Dick Curl, what do I do now?
In his five years as Jets coach, Edwards had a 39-41 record, including a 2-3 record in the playoffs.


2001

In 2001, John Hall kicked the Jets into the playoffs against the Raiders, however, the following week, they lost the Wildcard round in Oakland by the score of 38-24.

2002

In 2002, the Jets majestically won a 3 way tie with the New England Patriots and the Miami Dolphins to win the AFC East. The Jets advanced to through the Wildcard round this time, crushing his mentor Dungy, who had by now moved to the Colts. In the divisional round against the Raiders, Edwards and the Jets came up short, losing 30-10 to the Raiders.

2003

In 2003, the Jets finished 6-10 season. One notable incident during this season was when John Abraham crashed his car after sampling a little too much salsa sauce at a team BBQ. He was suspended for one game, as it turns out the salsa came from the Paul Newman range, which Herm was boycotting at the time.

2004

2004 proved to be a successful season, though with a major sting in the tail. The Jets finished with a record of 10-6, and played the San Diego Chargers in the Wildcard round, defeating them in overtime, thanks to an amazing display of Martyball by the Chargers. In the divisional round, the Jets showed an amazing lack of offense in losing to the Pittsburgh Steelers by a score of 20-17. This defeat culminated in an orgy of blood letting, as Herm displayed his skills of the ancient martial art of "throwing you under the bus"

2005

You will play to win the game with your arm ripped off because it's the way to play with your arm ripped off, ok? Now get out there and, um, play to win a ripped off, um, arm
2005 would prove to be an unmitigated disaster. Chad Pennington, had damaged his shoulder during the season. Edwards was able to use his Hermism Power to convince Pennington to play on through the playoffs.

Pennington then delayed surgery as it would have resulted in being unable to attend the end of season BBQ. As a result, Pennington was not fully fit when the 2005 season began, and seriously injured the shoulder. Pennington's backup, Jay Fiedler, the man voted "most likely to play the part of Dumbo in the Disney remake" was injured a few plays later. The Jets season went from bad to worse. Brooks Bollinger and Vinny Interceptaverde then finished the season. The Jets finished with a dismal 4-12 record.


"Ding Dong, the dumbass is gone"

Edwards was the subject of much condemnation from Jets fans as a result of the previous season. Despite his team sucking so bad, Edwards demanded an improved contract. Jets owner Woody Johnson refused to give in to Edwards demands, and as a result, Edwards ran off to the Kansas City Chiefs. The Jets received a fourth round pick, which turned out to be Leon Washington, and 15 crates of BBQ sauce as compensation. Everyone rejoiced, apart from noted journalist, Mark Cannizarro, who had lost his nark.


Criticisms

Experts have criticized Edwards' teams for their slow start to seasons. This may be valid as Edwards spends pre-season working out new recipes for the end of season BBQ rather than get the team ready for the upcoming season.

Edwards coached teams have always stuck rigidly to the Herm Playbook. This playbook consists of this: Run, Run, Pass, Punt. Edwards is on record as saying any drive that ends in a punt is a good drive.

Edwards has also demonstrated a complete lack of clock management skills, probably because he relies on a Mickey Mouse watch given to him for his fifth birthday. He hired Dick Curl to keep an eye on a clock, to no avail.

Martial art skills

You want me to throw you under the bus? Do you? Huh? Don't push me man!
The "Throw You Under The Bus" art is an ancient one, that takes years to master. Herman Edwards is widely accepted as the one true master of this art. Edwards is able to walk into a room full of blameless people, create a disaster, and before you can even blink, he has thrown everyone under the bus, and deflected all criticism.
The death of Doug Brien.
His victims include Ted Cottrell, Paul Hackett, John Abraham, Chad Pennington, Curtis Martin, Quincy Carter, LaMont Jordan, Santana Moss and Doug Brien. The period after the playoff loss to the Steelers in 2004 led to the death of Doug Brien after Edwards threw him under the bus, and proceeded to reverse the bus over him, repeatedly.

After this, Edwards ran out of people to throw under the bus, so he proceeded to pick people off the streets on the return trip to New York City, only to throw them under the bus. 235 people lost their lives on this trip, the location of each fatality are now marked by small headstones along Interstate 80. To this day, most people feel these people met their deaths through no fault of Edwards, testament to his skill.

Hermisms

Edwards is known for his speeches and soundbites given whenever he senses media attention. Most of these, however lead to much head scratching amongst mere mortals. The Iraqi Information Minister has recently acknowledged that he learned his trade from Edwards. he's even managed to fool people with books full of his gibberish.

You play to fleece the dumb.

Some of his more famous utterances

"I'm a teapot short and stout, here is my handle, and here is my spout"

"In life, what we do is in the toy department"

“We’re on the bus, but you're under it"

"“I did a lot of preaching this week. I had my sermons ready. The good part is the congregation was listening. I wish I had passed the collection plate. I would’ve made a lot of money. But I did it for free.”

“When you go to the prom, you go rent your tuxedo, you get one of those big limousines and you feel pretty good. The next day you come to school, you're driving a Volkswagen.”

"This is what's great about sports. This is what the greatest thing about sports is. You play to win the game. Hello? You play to win the game. You don't play it to just play it. That's the great thing about sports: you play to win, and I don't care if you don't have any wins. You go play to win. When you start tellin' me it doesn't matter, then retire. Get out! 'Cause it matters."

"When you're a head coach, you don't know where to stand," Edwards said. "You're screwed up. You go on the field, no one's talking to you. `Somebody's gonna talk to me.' You don't know what to do. So you go over and talk to the other head coach, and kind of shake his hand, then you go, `Where do I stand?'

"I don’t want anybody to think all of the sudden we lucked our way into this deal. We didn’t luck our way into it. We won our way into it just like those other teams had to, and they didn’t do it."

"I'm sure whatever decision I make will be criticized. But that's okay. As long as my decision gets top billing on 'Pardon the Interruption,' I'll be happy."


Post NYJ career

"I'll only be wearing this until McDonald's GM sees I'm better at flipping burgers than Kotite".
Edwards did a masterful job of dismantling the Chiefs, and provided much entertainment to everyone apart from Chiefs fans. He still does a mean BBQ. After the season ending loss to the Jets in 2007 (their ninth in defeat in a row), Herm threw offensive co-ordinator Mike Solari and three other coaches under his bus. No one batted an eyelash. Least of all, star running back, Larry Johnson, who Herm had worked to death. After taking over the 10-6 Chiefs, he led them to 9-7, 4-12, and his magnum opus, a 2-14 record in 2008. On January 23 2009, Herm got canned. He has been offered a job in the same McDonalds as former Jet HC, Rich Kotite.



Preceeded by Jets Head Coach Succeeded by
Al Groh 2001 - 2005 Eric Mangini
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