By Leighton ClarkÂ
Week one of the 2007 NFL season is finally here. It’s a time that we, as football fans, look forward to all year long. It’s also a time when I, as a (bad) fantasy football writer, am perplexed. Because before anyone has stepped on the field, there really isn’t much for me to write about. So, get ready for a short and bumpy ride through week one, as I filler-text my way into Max’s PM box.
*First off, in case you haven’t heard, Selvin Young is listed 2nd on the Denver running back depth chart behind Travis Henry. He should be picked up immediately, even if his promotion only lasts until Mike Shanahan decides it’s time to screw fantasy owners over once again. If you have Mike Bell, I would probably keep him. Sure, there’s trade talk and even talk about moving him to fullback, but this is Fantasy Satan here. Who knows what will happen? As for Cecil Sapp, I’m not sure if he’s even still on the roster. I think he’s a pretty safe drop. If you happen to be watching a Denver game and see Selvin Young either dance behind the line or fumble, you can probably pick Sapp back up.
*As far as the starting and the sitting, I have one big piece of advice: START YOUR STUDS. I hate to tell you, but if you drafted a guy in the first four rounds and are sitting him on the bench in week one, you made a bad pick. I don’t care if they are playing the ’85 Bears. You don’t waste high draft picks on spot-starters. Besides, year-to-year defensive stats can change in a hurry. In 2005, the Chargers had the worst pass defense in the NFL. So, last year, in week one, I started Aaron Brooks, who led me to 7 fantasy points in a points-per-completion league. For the sake of the children, don’t do what I did. Don’t start Aaron Brooks, ever. Or sit Rudi Johnson in week one because he has a poor match up and DeShaun Foster has a good one.
*It looks like Brandon Jackson will get the week one start for Green Bay, concussion and all. Last year, the Eagles had one of the worst run defenses in the league, for what that’s worth. I expect them to be much better this year. It’s pretty un-Eagle-like to have a Jet-like run defense. I would still start Jackson as a flex.
*Fred Taylor should run wild against the Titans. Both he and Maurice Jones-Drew are great starts this week.
*I personally have yet to make up my mind as to whether I’ll start Jacoby Jones or Ronald Curry in one of my leagues. I like Curry’s match up, but I don’t trust his QB. Jones gives me guaranteed points off return yards and I think his big play ability could catch the molasses Chiefs defense off guard. I think I just made up mind, but if you have any insight, the “expert” would appreciate it. As I write this column, I realize that many of you are probably debating about miniscule decisions like this one. Jones and Curry are fighting to be my WR/TE flex in the league I run. On the list of fantasy importance, #4 WR is pretty far down the list, isn’t it? That’s why I invite you to PM me with any questions you may have and I will answer them in these columns. Odds are if you were facing this Jones/Curry dilemma and not me, you would get no help in the way of a decision from my column. And if you want to ensure that your question gets answered in my next column, I must implore you to include naked pictures of Bea Arthur in your PM.
*Now, I feel it is necessary to finally introduce you to a huge word in my fantasy vocabulary: bukkake. Now, anyone depraved enough to be reading this column, or posting on JetNation for that matter, probably already knows what bukkake means. But I don’t dig that negative connotation. Have you ever said bukkake [boo-kock-ee] out loud? It’s a fun word to say…one of the most fun words to say in the English language. Well, I’m taking it back. See, for the past two years, anytime one of my fantasy players has made a play, I yell out “BUKKAKE!”. It doesn’t matter where I am…in a sports bar full of people; alone in my room; Thanksgiving dinner with my family. Doesn’t matter. Bukkake also comes equipped with hand gestures, and there are multiple kinds of it.
*Full-on bukkake – your fantasy player has just scored a touchdown.
Celebration: with a closed fist, turn towards the person next to you; upon seeing this, they will also close their fist and you will slam fists with them. This does not work if you happen to be sitting next to your fantasy opponent. I have found that standing behind them while shaking their shoulders violently and repeatedly yelling “BUKKAKE” works the best.
*Little-bit-o-bukkake – your fantasy player has just gained 20 or more yards, but did not score a touchdown.
Celebration: you and the person next to you engage in “spirit fingers” and you repeatedly whisper “little-bit-o-bukkake”.
Super Happy Bukkake – a Jet on your fantasy team scores a touchdown.
*Bu-Shockey – used whenever Jeremy Shockey does something for your fantasy team. There can also be just a little-bit-o-bu-Shockey.
*Bench-kake – the worst of all the bukkakes. It occurs when a player on your fantasy bench scores a touchdown. There is no little-bit variation, nor is there a celebration.
There you have it. The complete definition of fantasy bukkake. I hope you will join me this Sunday, wherever you are, and spread this fantastic word across the land.