~Our love and relationship expert, Greengal, can help you with any football or non-football related problems. If you have a question for Greengal, you may not contact her directly because, quite frankly, she’s far too busy being fabulous to talk to you. Instead, send your questions to TomShane@JetNation.com. He likes you, and wants to come over for dinner.
Dear Greengal, why am I so damn fly and why can’t the bitches resist me sexually?
~Signed, Too Fly in MI
Dear TooFly, The Greengal can certainly sympathize with too many people thinking you are “too fly.” The Greengal herself deals with that reality every day. It is QUITE the burden. However, therein lies the difference between you and me, TooFly. For me, it’s a reality. For you? It’s a delusion. The good news is that this condition of yours can be treated with a simple two-step program. First step? Buy a mirror. Second step? Use it. That should cure your bizarre “too fly” misconception.
And as for the “bitches” who can’t resist you sexually? I’d direct you to check out Michigan state law 287.289a, which covers animal endangerment, including the sodomy of small doggies (woof!). While those “bitches” may not be able to resist you, I doubt you’d want to “resist” arrest, big boy. Greengal, out.
Dear Greengal, my wife/girlfriend/dog whines that I spend too much time watching football. What can I do to stop this without getting arrested?
~Ready With The Duct Tape in Queens
Dear Duct Tape, This is a classic question, and Greengal is a classy gal. The answer is simple. If it is your wife or girlfriend, just get her a box of chocolate and send her for a special massage with that milky beefcake Roberto down at the local spa every Sunday. Trust me, she’ll be praying for football season to start. In fact, she’ll be praying you become a huge fan of the 24/7/365 Weather Channel as well. You may want to put Roberto on retainer, my depraved, mis-guided little friend. If that sounds a little pricey for your cheap, pathetic self, then you may try doing all the dishes and then the laundry during football season in exchange for three hours of your precious football on Sunday. You’ll be in like Flynn, and think of all the money you’ll save on duct-tape.