Originally Posted by Borgoguy
INT. NIGHT, JETNATION AWARDS CEREMONY. NEWARK ARMORY, NEWARK, NEW JERSEY.
OVER BLACK, MUSIC SFX OF K.C. AND THE SUNSHINE BAND’S LIVE VERSION OF “THAT’S THE WAY (I LIKE IT)”. (As no one else has booked them in what is now three decades, K.C. and the boys gladly accepted this paying “gig”, even though it was, basically, for a reconditioned iPod each, and all the donuts and chocolate milk they could carry after the ceremony. Max’ treat.)
FADE IN TO A LAVISHLY DECORATED STAGE WHICH HAS BEEN FESTOONED WITH AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF PARAPHERNALIA OF THE NEW YORK JETS FOOTBALL CLUB. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE IS A PODIUM AND MICROPHONE. SEVERAL HUNDRED AUDIENCE MEMBERS–DRESSED IN JETS JERSEYS OR RENTED, HORRIBLY OUT-OF FASION, TUXEDOS ARE SITTING ATTENTIVELY. A MAN, MAX–CARTOONISH, YET SOMEHOW THE SPIRITUAL LEADER OF THOSE ASSEMBLED–DANCES EMBARRASSINGLY OUT OF STEP TOWARDS THE PODIUM AND MOUTHING THE “UH-HUH, UH-HUH” PORTION OF THE SONG. AS HE APPROACHES THE PODIUM, HE WAVES HIS RIGHT ARM AT THE BAND. END MUSIC SFX.
Welcome back, folks. This one’s got me nervous. You always hope to meet your heroes, but when he’s about to actually stand in front of you. (CHOKING BACK TEARS OF EMOTION) Damn it. I promised myself i wouldn’t cry in front of the guy. (ANOTHER PAUSE) Okay, let me give it another whirl. And the winner of this year’s Best New Poster Award goes to…(PAUSE, THEN LOOKING UP BEAMING AS A FATHER SEEING HIS NEWLY BORN SON FOR THE FIRST TIME) You know who it is folks. Number one in our hearts…BORGOGUY!!
SFX OF THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE AS THEY JUMP TO THEIR FEET. CUT TO THE AUDIENCE WHERE BORGOGUY–STILL HANDSOME AT 52 AND RESEMBLING A SLIGHTLY AGING, LONG HAIRED PETER FRAMPTON FROM THE 70S–HUGS MRSBORGOGUY AND THIS YEAR’S WINNER OF THE MISS THAILAND COMPETITION, WHO IS THEIR DATE. AFTER A FEW BEATS, BORGOGUY HEADS TOWARS THE STAGE, SHAKING HANDS WITH OR HUGGING FELLOW JETNATION POSTERS.
AS HE GETS TO THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, BORGOGUY TURNS AND DOES A DROP DEAD PERFECT PETE TOWNSHEND GUITAR WINDMILL, WHICH SENDS THE THRONG INTO A CONTROLLED FRENZY. HE THEN WALKS TOWARDS MAX. THE TWO VISIONARIES EMBRACE, AND WE SEE TEARS OF JOY RUNNING DOWN MAX’ CHEEKS. HE HANDS BORGOGUY A STATUETTE–THE JETTY–AND THE AWARDS ENVELOPE. MAX STEPS BACK TO LET BORGOGUY BASK IN HIS WELL DESERVED GLORY. BORGOGUY MOTIONS TO THE CROWD TO QUIET DOWN, WHICH THEY DO IMMEDIATELY AS THEY RECOGNIZE HIS POWER AND STANDING AMONGST POETS, WRITERS AND PHILOSOPHERS BOTH PAST AND PRESENT. END AUDIENCE SFX.
Whoo, what a night, folks. I never thought I’d reach this pinnacle. Who would, ya know? You dream of such monumental events actually transpiring, but more often than not, our dreams go unfulfilled or turn to nightmares.
CUT TO QUICK SHOT OF MAX, WHO IS BOBBING HIS HEAD IN AGREEMENT, SEEMINGLY ENTHRALLED AND HANGING ON EVERY WORD SPOKEN BY THE GREAT MAN AT THE PODIUM. THEN ANOTHER QUICK CUT BACK TO BORGOGUY.
Ah, I don’t want to bore you all with my continuing array of spectacular achievements. You can always Google me or read the piece in tomorrow’s New York Times. I’ll just say thanks everybody for your votes. I also want to thank all the little people out there. Specifically, the dwarves and midgets, whose lack of physical stature provided me with a, seemingly, endless supply of comedic fodder this season. Not one to rest on my laurels, I promise to re-double my efforts this coming year, including those afflicted with life threatening diseases and horrible, disfiguring, physical deformities to my endless font of humor and comedic brilliance.
CLOSE-UP OF BORGOGUY REMOVING A SMALL IDOL OF AMATERASU, THE JAPANESE SUN GODDESS, FROM HIS INSIDE JACKET POCKET. PULL BACK AGAIN FOR FULL SHOT.
I want also to acknowledge the importance of the beauty of the Asian feminine form–and my associations with the Japanese AV industry–to my work. It is not a platitude to say that I would not be standing here without your existence. (BOWING HUMBLY) D?mo arigat?. Thanks again, everybody. And enjoy the rest of the show. I hear afo’s spinning plates act is amazing. Good night.
AS BORGOGUY WAVES TO THE CROWD AND HEADS OFF STAGE, THE BAND LAUNCHES INTO A VEGAS-INSPIRED VERSION OF 20TH CENTURY BOY BY T-REX. THE CROWD IS ON THEIR FEET HOOTING AND HOLLARING. CLOSE UP OF MRSBORGOGUY AND MISS THAILAND–SOBBING ALMOST UNCONTROLLABLY WITH JOY–BLOWING KISSES TO THE STAGE. AS THE MUSIC BLARES IN THE B.G., WE…
Holy **** that is funny. Borgo is TomShane-like – the ultimate compliment from the former curator of TomShane-isms. Congratulations on your POTW win, Borgo, wear the badge with pride for – err – a while.